James 4:1-2a "From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not:"

Conflict in and of itself is not evil, and in fact can actually be a good thing. Conflict is simply two opposing viewpoints or desires clashing. We all look at our world differently. We all have different ideas, and that is good. I had a boss (it may have even been Pastor Mike) tell me once, “If you agree with me on everything, I don’t need you.” While conflict is not wrong, the way we respond to it often is. Verbal attacks, gossip, bitterness, physical altercations, or the cold shoulder treatment are all sinful responses to conflict. It is these ‘fightings’ that we need to avoid.

James asks the question, “Where do fights come from?” Ah, that is a great question. Many parents would answer, “The kids!” Many wives would answer, “My husband!” Many kids would answer, “My brother, of course!” Regardless of what we know in our heads or what we believe on Sunday while sitting in the pew, when we are in conflict, we really believe this – the other person is at fault and is the source of the fight.

When I was a kid, my dad used to say, “It takes two to fight.” I thought that was absolutely the most ridiculous statement that could ever come from the mouth of an adult. He just didn’t get it. The fight was completely my brother’s fault. My brother dared to commit the cardinal sin of any younger sibling – he was ‘bothering’ me. Every older sibling knows this is automatic license to remove the ‘irritation’ by any means necessary. Usually this entailed a barrage of verbal threats and attacks, and in extreme cases physical violence. This was not my fault;he started it. My dad just did not get it. Well,as with most things in life, my father got smarter the older I got.

Have you ever made the statement, “If she wouldn’t have _______, I wouldn’t have _______”? Parents, have you ever come in to find your children are fighting, only to hear a continual stream of “He started it!” “No, she did!” “He _______!” “Yeah, but she _____”? In conflict we get so wrapped up in what the other person did that we fail to see and own up to our own choices. Jesus points this out to us in Luke 6:41, “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” If we are ever going to resolve conflict, we must first own up to our choices.

Sometimes we also dismiss our actions with statements like “I didn’t mean to _______.” No! The action was ours, and we must own it. There are things that truly are accidents like tripping and falling, or spilling milk when reaching for the cereal box, but a word or verbal attack said in anger is not an accident. A slammed door during an argument is not an accident. Anger that escalates to a shove is not an accident. These are all choices. In hindsight, you now may wish you had or had not acted as you did, but you chose.

James answers his question of where fights come from. He says, “come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not:” (emphasis added) Where do fights come from? They come from the desires (lusts) inside you (your members). They come from your heart. You want something and don’t get it. Pastor Mike refers to this as unfulfilled expectations. This is the source of the fight. Not your sister, brother, mother, father, child, friend, teacher, or pastor. Fights come from your heart. Say with me, “Fights come from MY heart.” You must own up to your wrong choices regardless of what the other person did. You can always choose to respond biblically to conflict, even when the other person does not.

It is very difficult to own up to your sinful choice in conflict, especially when the other person is mostly wrong. Nevertheless, you must. Regardless of the attitudes and actions of the other person, you must repent and seek forgiveness for your part, no matter how small. “I was wrong when I _____ (specifically name the sin). Will you forgive me?” Are you fighting with someone right now? Will you own up to your choices, repent, and seek forgiveness?

Parents, you must guide your children through the process of resolving conflict. This is a skill they must be taught and they can learn. Usually, I see two parental responses to children fighting that are both wrong. Either the parents let the children ‘fight it out’ because they need to learn to work things out on their own, or parents intervene and ‘solve’ the conflict, usually by pacifying everyone in an attempt to keep happiness in the home. Unfortunately, when the children ‘fight it out’ without guidance, all manner of anger, bitterness, evil words, and evil actions ensue. The dominant person usually wins, but nothing is resolved. All the sinning that just took place goes unrepented, and bitterness lies under the surface waiting for the next fight. When parents are quick to jump in and ‘solve’ the problem, peace and quiet in the home is usually the goal. Again, nothing gets resolved. While the children have been pacified, they have learned neither to take responsibility for their actions nor to seek or give forgiveness. When you hear fighting, don’t be too quick to jump in. Instead, be willing to stop and take the time to teach your children. It may be a hassle at first, but as you continue to teach them to own their actions, repent to one another, seek and give forgiveness, you will find yourself involved less and less.

Bryan Miller, B.A.
Children's Pastor